You know, people always ask, “How do you vanish stuff so well?”
To which I reply: “I don’t. I simply lose things with flair.”
Magicians are not wizards—we are simply professional-level object misplacers with crowd applause. So here, for legal documentation and personal emotional closure, are the top 10 things I have accidentally vanished, never to return.
1. A Deck of Cards… While Holding It
Yes. I have literally asked, “Where is the deck?”
While it was in my hand.
While I was shuffling it.
Someone in the audience said, “Maybe check your sleeve.”
I evaporated out of shame.
2. My Last Brain Cell Mid-Trick
There’s nothing like yelling, “Pick a card!” and then forgetting the next five steps of your own routine. It’s not even misdirection. It’s just neurological abandonment.
3. My Socks (During a Stage Show?)
I went on stage wearing socks. I came off stage barefoot.
We don’t talk about it.
Someone in the front row now owns what I can only assume are technically magical relics.
4. My Dignity (During a Children’s Party)
A 6-year-old yelled, “I SAW THE COIN IN YOUR HAND!”
I panicked, performed an entirely unrelated card trick, and said, “No you didn’t. That coin never existed. You are imagining reality.”
The birthday mom looked concerned. The child began questioning their existence.
My dignity disappeared with the speed of a dove fleeing tax responsibility.
5. A Live Rabbit (It Just... Left?)
Yes, the rabbit was real.
Yes, it was part of the act.
No, I did not vanish it on purpose.
It jumped out of the hat, emancipated itself, and ran off like it had a bus to catch and a fresh life to begin under a new identity.
I hope he’s thriving.
6. My Assistant (aka Kyle, who ghosted mid-show)
Mid-performance, Kyle held up the silk, turned, and never came back. I think he achieved enlightenment and ascended. Or he went to Taco Bell. Hard to say.
7. My Script, Right in the Middle of Performing It
There’s nothing like saying, “And now, ladies and gentlemen—”
… and then just standing there like a frozen Windows update.
I then improvised an entire monologue about literal bananas.
They thought it was part of the act.
It was not.
8. A Whole Week Once
Practicing for a new trick. Blinked. Suddenly it was Thursday. I hadn’t eaten a vegetable since Sunday and had accidentally memorized the emotional backstory of every card in the deck.
9. My Paycheck (Literally)
I thought it would be “funny” to vanish my check at the end of the gig.
It was funny. Until I couldn’t get it back.
The client said, “Well, you made it disappear. That’s on-brand.”
I performed four more shows that month for store credit and emotional validation.
10. My Ex’s Respect
Oh, I absolutely vanished that.
Right after I yelled, “WATCH THIS!” and attempted to levitate using only pure optimism and a rickety chair.
She said, “I can’t do this anymore,” and disappeared faster than my financial stability.
Conclusion: I Am Not a Magician. I Am a Walking Bermuda Triangle.
If you've ever thought magic was mysterious or powerful, just know that 80% of it is intentional deception… and 20% is me going “WHERE DID THAT GO?”
So the next time I vanish something on purpose, just understand:
There's a 50/50 chance I’m as surprised as you.
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